Twenty three year countdown!

I had a read over at Judith Westerfield’s Blog and used her link to the Life Expectancy Calculator. The result is the title of my post: I have 23.6 years of life left in which to occupy myself.

Having already made some minor changes to my life, despite struggling with early retirement, some unattractive social scenes and major depression, I feel that the following may be a good guide for the future:

REINVENT YOURSELF

Rebecca Webber says:

“Major life changes are never easy, because your instincts and the urgent matters of the day work against you. But when you learn to focus on your future self, you’ll be surprised at what you can achieve.”

In the last couple of years I’ve managed to get my depression under control and eliminate the side effects of the large dose of pills I’m on with the help of a “mild” shrink and a very focused cognitive psychologist. With their help I avoided killing myself because I couldn’t see a place for me in the future and I avoided running away because I couldn’t see a future living in the current place. In addition, I’m quite proud of the fact that I’ve shed most of the weight I gained all those years ago on those slug-making anti depressants like amitriptylline and I’ve made regular exercise almost automatic for at least one day per week. By the latter, I mean that every Thursday morning I can get up when the alarm goes off, have breakfast, shower and go straight to aquarobics without giving it a second thought! No more “Oh maybe I won’t go because it’s so freezing this morning” and no more feeling too immobilised by hopelessness. Instead I’m off like clockwork to hear all the news from my pals at the class, maybe even meet one or two for a coffee date afterwards.

 

When I had 85 years to spend!

When I had 85 years to spend!

However, apart from fulfilling my need for socialising by continuing to meet new local people via Facebook, I need to become relaxed enough to allow myself to enjoy my hobbies, instead of feeling guilty that I’m playing, not working. That will be the sense in which I plan to REINVENT myself over the next 23 years. I know I have some tools provided by my therapists and my reading, such as Mindfulness meditation, but I now must develop more of those practices as HABITS just as I have with the aquarobics. Now I’ll go and play the REINVENT video again, and maybe over again to see what insights I can glean that sound as though they would fit with my inner self and current economic and social circumstances. There’s no point in doing something that involves money and I can’t be exhorted to “travel often” without that either! Wish me luck.

All comments and advice are welcome, unless negative, of course.

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One thought on “Twenty three year countdown!

  1. I’ll be frank. I came here for the title “up and down like the Assyrian empire”…being Assyrian myself. That was it haha. And yet the content displayed is something I’ve been trying to grasp the past few years, and I thank you for that reminder.

    “This time the joke is on me: What has two legs and a gutless core? I feel like a reject in this world and the worst part is that I’ve already given up. HATE IT!.”

    You see, I had my 23rd birthday recently…abroad and among strangers. Far away from close friends and family members. It was a weird sensation…and now the same sensation was felt during Christmas time. It won’t go away as long as I distance myself from those who’ve I always cherished. But at the same time I believe it to be absolutely CRUCIAL for me in order to change. Pain and discomfort appears to walk hand-in-hand with change. I know this very well. We all know this deep down…The above quote is one of many that I’ve kept for myself…in an extensive self-realization process I’ve had.

    I jolted down my thoughts in the Evernote app since 2012…but never looked back at any of them. They were just…there. No further reflection. Just a growing pile of self-resentment and overall frustration..with a few (positive) exceptions. Pretty easy to explain: I did things half-assed – work, study, physical improvements, women, whatever – with the exception of writing down any “urgent” thoughts for the day.

    After numerous written session, things became complicated. The need of pouring out more of my self-hate felt…excruciating. And yet, had I not done this, anxiety would’ve taken hol…like a child going “nananan you can’t catch me” inside of my mind with lingering thoughts….A bad habit?
    Anyway, I reached a certain point where I struck myself with analysis-paralysis. It wasn’t until I somehow convinced myself to COMPILE ALL THAT I HAD WRITTEN (+60000 words…) and deconstruct them that I was able to move on. It was a pain in the ass. Years of thoughts and events painfully reminded were deconstructed into keywords. And rinse and repeat…rinse and repeat…until I was left with my very own naughty-list of bad thoughtpatterns. “Time mismangement”, “validation seeking”, “effeminism”, “race traitor”… I’m hardly the kind of guy who seeks perfection and yet I tried my best to set up a few criteria for organizing my thoughts to make this thorough.

    Once again, this was a pain in the ass. But NOT doing a single thing with all my previously collected thoughts? That felt worse. That became my first step in getting out of my depression. After that, I made sure to get professional help and I’m only on one pill at the moment. Hopefully it’ll stay so. And I don’t know how much it has helped me but I have been living, working and simply ENJOYED LIFE abroad. Not to mention the numerous people I’ve connected with, some close, some not, all by myself. I feel a bit proud heh. But I still have a lot to learn -ex: I still procrastinate a lot…way too much (I’ve just learned of the IMPORTANT/URGENT QUADRANT – wish me luck heh)…and I KNOW I need to accelerate my learningcurve for a new job soon to begin…but I’m getting there…I think. Anyway, sorry for the rant, I’ll be honest and say I never tend to read blogs and most likely this is the case as well, but I wish you all the best and hopefully you to will get the habit and the change you seek.

    Sincerely,
    J.

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