Praise was a no-no

Child development: The right kind of early praise predicts positive attitudes toward effort.

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When I taught developmental psychology to young teacher- and childcare-trainees, I fought a losing battle most of the time trying to show them how to use praise in the best way to enhance the lives of the little ones in their charge. All the other teachers on the programs thought that you must “treasure the precious little children” by [wrongly] “boosting their self-esteem” in saying “wow, that was good” or “don’t you look gorgeous”, no matter the merit of child in any way.

This article points out where I was doing OK and they were NOT encouraging the children to try hard and put their best efforts into whatever they did. I believe the “wow, you’re wonderful” style of upbringing has resulted in generations of youngsters who won’t put in an effort, try to get by on appearance [at which many succeed & others derive much misery from], feel entitled to a good job no matter how lackadaisical their performance and are intolerant of less than perfect traits in a partner. Who knows?

As I mentioned on Google+ in response to this article, my life has been heavily influenced by getting no praise or the wrong kind when I was a little kid. I was virtually “squashed down” because apparently the “tall poppy” syndrome reigned in the 1950s. I can only remember a few instances where I was praised for any achievement, and this was by school teachers or other kids’ parents. As an adult [in years, maybe not in mind!], I have not usually tried very hard at most things, because I achieved most things as a kid by just turning up and doing. No one will believe me, but I got into med school that way- however, lack of effort after being ill for a long time probably made me drop out, where I might have been able to cope with some coaching and support for a while.

Kids I went to school with apparently often tried to topple me from the top of the class, but, not having put any effort in myself, I didn’t notice their frustrated efforts! Therefore, I didn’t congratulate them or praise them either because I hadn’t experienced it myself. These days I sometimes chat on Facebook to some of these old friends and discover how “victorious” some of them felt when they topped me at something and how some of them were jealous of my performance/”marks”, disliking me as consequence. It all seems so trivial now, but THEY have mostly succeeded in life with good jobs and happy families, whereas I am long term unemployed with a still “itchy” mind!

So, from many years of experience and contemplation I would say to parents “Be alert to your children’s achievements in every sphere and give them plenty of praise about the way they achieve.” My idea would be to teach kids as many things as you can quite deliberately so they don’t have to make so many mistakes along the road to becoming adults themselves. Teach them about praise too, once they are old enough to get the idea, and they will become sought after companions in life for their peers. Show children how to do things and don’t keep saying “No not that way” and correcting them – let them work through and discover for themselves the best methods once you have shown them, except when it’s dangerous, eg. diving off the high board!

Surely I might be happier and healthier now, maybe even suitably employed if I had been able to build on a solid basis of feeling competent and autonomous when I was learning to become human. I’m working on it.

Published by Murfomurf

I am someone with far too many interests to do them all every week. This is a personal blog with no particular theme- just what I want to write. I might not LOOK very interesting but you may be rewarded for taking some time to discover me! I feel as though I am about 25 or 30 and would have liked to have had a rewarding job until I gave up searching in March 2015. My ideal job would be doing research and service development in Public Health, but meanwhile I finished an MPH and I’ll do a PhD if I have to. This blog is mainly about my life and thoughts. I'm passionate about all sorts of topics that capture my attention from news, current affairs and friends’ lives. As a bit of background: when I was a kid, I was good at everything except team sport and in the looks department; I didn’t achieve great height either. These days I am deemed not to be good enough at anything to be employed, although I used to be a uni lecturer and health researcher. My blogging tends to have at least a wry note, if not a completely Pythonesque aspect! Since I find blogging therapeutic, I sometimes touch on my experiences with Major Depression, but I won’t drag you down. My posts tend to contain what I THINK, and hopefully some of what I do. Although I’ve been pretty much unemployed for 4 years, and only semi-employed for 7 years before that, I still blog about the topics of my old work. My favourite work topics are mental health, eating disorders, depression, body “image” and public health. Im a strong supporter of equity. You’ll find I’m fairly leftie in a 70s Hippie kind of way, but without the stars in my eyes or the Little Red Book in my pocket. My main mission in life is achieving some sort of “fairness”.

2 thoughts on “Praise was a no-no

  1. I agree with your article and practice mindful praising of my children and anyone else that deserves it. But in the public service, I noticed that my praises were taken as a weakness. Me acknowledging their ability was in fact testifying to my weakness. What an absurdity!!

    1. Wow @Kishan, that reaction from the public service people seems totally at odds with promoting a positive atmosphere in the work place! I can’t imagine where anyone gets the idea that praising others is a sign of personal weakness. Maybe the ‘tall poppy’ syndrome is alive and well after all. I’m glad it hasn’t stopped you. 🙂

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