Being a winter robot

Hmm, it's that time of year when I have to fight to live in the world. I can feel myself gradually sinking, after rising from March until about 4 weeks ago… the old Black Dog is nipping at my heels. I don't like “standing by” and watching myself be swallowed up.. it must seem strange to people who've never suffered depression- but that's just what happens. I'm fighting using my robot strategy- just trying to stick to a set of routine things without deviating or making excuses. I have to talk to myself in my head all the time to keep on keeping on… “get up, put something warm on, go to the kitchen, get water, put on the kettle, clean up the cat poo from the leaky cat, put on all the exhaust fans, mop, make the tea, remember the whole teaspoon of sugar for Spotrick, remember to stir it, take it in, put up the blind so he won't be as likely to go to sleep again, feed the Germans their fish on the benchtop, let out the Germans, get the porridge makings out, remember it's one measure of porridge, one of SoGood, one of water, 2 minutes in the microwave, stir, two more minutes, stop it from beeping, hope Spotrick comes out to serve it up, let Pascal back in, sit down, eat a bit, let Moggsy or Marmy back in, stop Pascal from getting on the bench and eating the fish, serve up more fish, finish eating, collect mugs, put on more tea, get laptop, turn on broadband, turn on Flock, get mail on Thunderbird, check Flickr; few minutes indulgence; try to get SPotrick into shower, mix Vitamin C into cranberry juice, take happy pills,find usable clothes, wait for Spotrick in shower, get in myself, get dressed,try to heave Spotrick out of house, let all cats out, sit down with computer and try to work.” Work work work, write some essay, more work, more essay, let some cats back in; carry on till the end of the day… How many months can I go on like this? Some years it is the whole 12 months, this year I had about 3 months respite- a huge amount; How long will I be wishing for this to be over and life seeming worthwhile again? at least I still live in hope.


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