Writer's Block: Work & Self-Worth

My self worth is always better when I have regular paid work. I feel like a better person, a contributor to society and I can pay for my own stuff without burdening someone else, who has earnt their money for their own purposes. It makes me fume that at the age of 56 I have to ask someone else for “pocket money” and not be able to decide on my own terms whether I am willing to spend my money on whatever. I have to consider someone else's welfare and preferences with everything I purchase- it just feels distinctly “off”. It's funny that I am happy to give my money to others when I have a job and money to be flexible about, but I just can't take it from someone else. I would be quite happy to take an allowance from the government as I've paid taxes for 30-something years, but I'm not eligible because the other householder earns over the maximum for one person. People forget that a 2-income household has a mortgage that was negotiated for 2 incomes and when the income cuts down to a single one, the poor person left earning has to pay for more than twice what they were paying before. I hate a huge part of myself for not being able to get a job, I think there must be something wrong with me that people aren't telling me. I wonder how I have changed that people perceive I'm not suitable for a job now when I was previously. Why do people whom I perceived are far less qualified and suitable get the jobs? Why do I get rejected for really simple jobs that I could have done years ago when I had no experience?? It really sets the whole self-doubt thing going for me. Bugga!!


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