Popping in to blog

Popping in to blog is really a guilt thing today. Lots of people seem to mention blog guilt- I guess its universal- we all want to do things when we think of them, not as a matter of strict routine. It's natural to go for ages not wanting to do something we're quite interested in, then have a mad concentrated few days on it. Humans like routine for everyday ordinary living- like when to get up, have breakfast and go to work, but we all have to thrash ourselves to varying degrees to do more than the basics and the passions. I've always had trouble reading and writing about topics that I haven't thought of- like school or university subjects I wasn't particularly wild about. On the other hand, I absolutely love to find about about all sorts of other things, and to do other things- like my hobbies and socialising over a meal. At school, things like history and geography were deadly boring and I gave them up when I could. On the other hand, I would suck the library dry to find out how people lived in the Amazon, or what you could eat in the Congo, or in Greenland- but they weren't what geography was about. Oh no- you had to learn the list of the main crops of Uganda- one thing was probably “sorghum” which no one I knew had ever seen or heard of- we grew up in an area of dairy cows, timber logging and tourism- you could grow sweet corn in the garden- but sorghum?? You had to learn the name of the climate- a taiga or a boreal forest or whatever… But what clothes did you wear in summer or winter there- how could you afford a fur coat if it was all icy in Moscow?? I wanted it all to mean something personal that I could relate to and it just didn't. As an adult, I have trouble studying at uni, if I have to spout what someone else thinks, or reproduce the way somebody does something- I want to find out the origins of things and learn how to do things my way, learning about the background to it all along the way. I guess I have to DO in order to learn- or I have to see the consequences in a physical world before I'll accept that something is worthwhile or valid. I notice in my current uni courses (I'm a mature age student now), that the ones who do well are the ones who are very precise and organised- they read what they're told, write according to the guidelines and remember all the right things in exams- then they get good jobs. It looks so simple. I sit around learning things my way, don't do as well and get refused for jobs that I have been able to do all my working life, because I can't go back to square one and learn the way people want me to know things. I find it frustrating, depressing and insulting, really. But I can't go back and change the way I learnt stuff at school, because I didn't ever conform then, either, although it didn't seem to matter. Now I am competing directly with the conventional learners and performers, I lose out totally and it has put a big hole in my life.

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