Can’t stop now. Living I mean.

I feel absolutely dreadful these past few days. I hope it’s just a reaction to the stomach thing, not a sudden depressive relapse. I could burst into tears and never stop (it feels as if) or worse. But that would be giving in. I have this awful sense of loss. Just survive. Just survive. I can’t explain it. Trying to think about other people but only the ones that make me sad come to mind. Survive, endure; not explain.

No- not the PINGS!

Anyone familiar with the pings will instantly recognise what I’m referring to; the rest should be bloody glad they have NO idea.

After absolutely years of never having any pings, I got them back yesterday while enduring this strange stomach condition where I got all swollen (others might call it bloated?) after a seemingly normal meal (dining out). When I was younger I had a few of these episodes and named them “stomach migraines” because they felt like the ones I experienced in my head since the age of 10 until I was 32, when they left forever.

The current episode is nearly over and the pain and swelling have departed. I just have these abominable pings which I first experienced when starting SSRI anti depressants many years ago and which occur if I reduce my dose too much when feeling good. These pings seem to come from right inside my head- some call them brain-zaps – and the worst ones make my eardrums crackle and vibrate to every sound, even the softest flutter of leaves in a breeze. However, this time they are not making me cry and run away because I know they are temporary and I am not deeply depressed.

In the past the pings were unendurable when I sat next to a friend of mine at dinner, who has an incredibly breathy/spitty way of speaking (sorry if you read this). The eardrums could not recover between one burst of her speech and the next and eventually I would crash out of the place crying uncontrollably, sometimes just collapsing, unable to make any progress with my legs. The most abysmal sensation and one that could make anyone want to die on the spot. Not kill themselves – just wish fervently for instant annihilation, being unable to take any action to bring it on.breathy

The congestion or whatever it is in my abdominal area must use up all my free serotonin to produce the pings and I am not sure if it is the pain or the congestive process that uses it. I think it might have some relationship to the flow of enzymes and whatever – bile etc – that help digest food as I don’t feel nauseated or chunderous, nor do I get “the trots”. Whatever the cause, folic acid tablets and cutting out excess sugars, any oils and fats for a few days stops the episode from continuing. All I get now is the PTSD from the pings. Gee, thanks, Nature.

Anyone in the known universe get this stomach thing? I would have experienced about a dozen episodes since I was 20, so not all that frequent. But VERY unpleasant.

What the hell to blog about?

It seems I’m still waiting for things to be right. Now they are even less right than they were before. Slipped disc. Sheesh.

As we all know (??) a slipped disc is actually when the jelly stuffing busts out of the disc that cushions one segment of the spine from the next. The disc still clings valiantly to the vertebrae but the stuff that makes it cushiony has escaped so everything hurts. Currently I have slipped stuff pressing on my right sciatic nerve and it is an absolute killer. Gimme Pethidine! Uh-oh- I promised myself none of that until I am screaming because it is something I would never be able to get off!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a lot and not a lot have happened. My partner suddenly retired from work after seeing his boss finally retire after years of stalling. Steve is more than ten years younger than said boss! It was a bit of a shock and I’m not sure I will ever get used to being accompanied 24 hours a day, seven days per week. I have been so used to being on my own all day for the 8 years since I last had a regular job. Not that it meant I accomplished anything.

Random insert 3. Pansy monster

Random insert 3. Pansy monster

My love of photography is still lying dormant after being grossly disappointed by an ex-friend who had become a good photo and camera-chat companion. One day I suppose I will get back to it. All in good time.

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

That contribution was by Stormy the drain-rescue kitty who desperately wants to sit on my cream furry jumper because the First Day of Summer is 10 degrees cooler than the last day of Spring. No aquarobics today as I tickled up my back by going once last week. Must wait until Craig (my physio) gives the all-clear. This means hopping up periodically to do several minutes bending in various directions to squeeze the disc back in, sleeping on my stomach on the floor and finding it very difficult to go to the loo!

Dreaming garden

Random insert 4. Dreaming garden

On the positive side, I managed to order lilium bulbs in time for planting during Spring. The results are now sprouting up to 1.5 metres high, some with buds ready for a show of colour later this week! We already had the light yellow lilies left over from a previous planting several years ago, but they are a bit past it and need renewing.

The kitties are looking after me with Bendix draped over the arm of the sofa purring quietly and Stormy tucked up on the other side in a tight ball! Aren’t they sweeties for looking after me?:-)

Random insert 3. Pansy monster

Random insert 3. Pansy monster

Millions of things have obviously happened since I last blogged, but this diary-style entry is all I can summon at the mo.

Maybe I’ll be able to focus better now and discover a REAL topic to write about. I’ll insert some random photos now, merely for the sake of tradition and inserting photos.

PS. While reading an old National Geo at Craig’s while I got electrocuted, I discovered a 1992 article on an airship I had never heard of, so there’s a good topic (for me, not necessarily for anyone else, LOL!).

Woolly things for Second Semester (winter) university intake.

I was warmed by the idea at the Australian National University in Canberra to make their winter intake students feel welcome. Volunteers made 110 woolly scarves so the winter weather would not be such a shock for new students coming from the Northern Hemisphere summer. Here’s the link:

Supporting our New Community

This would be an excellent project for all of Australia’s southern universities to adopt. I would certainly help out with some scarves and beanies knitted from my stash!

Deities vs denigration. Or how to stop dwelling on things.

I was trying to locate some pointers on rumination that I felt were suitable to my own situation, being depressed. A few behaviourally oriented ones sounded good while others went all god-dy and totally put me off. What is the point of a deity saving you after you are dead to make everything right? You’re dead then and have no life to BE good FFS!

When I read the attached account of a woman grieving for her prematurely-departed husband I thought she was making more of a hole for herself by denigrating her own worthiness as a human and potential partner. Somehow I need to steer between deities and denigration!

My concept of myself is not that bad; I think I am worthy of love, praise and comfort and I have a fair measure of each. My social network is rather lacking at the moment and I haven’t had the cheerfulness or energy to cultivate it, so I feel a bit disconnected but NOT lonely. I am quite happy with spending every day alone, my only contact with the world through my laptop or tablet. However, my social situation of 90% isolation is NOT good for curing myself of ruminating. While I don’t blame myself for being depressed currently, being alone is provocation for negative thoughts about anything. A few years ago I was able to keep my mind active with online courses and I learned some amazing stuff. Recently though I have been unable to get out of my unproductive ruminative loops in order to learn new stuff, so unfinished online courses are just more negatives that I don’t need right now.

Iceland poppies

Iceland poppies

My Mindfulness practice has helped to a certain extent but it is not strong enough to keep all my head-crap at bay all the time. Doing something active like my hobbies would be great too, but I am in the middle of a very stuck period and haven’t got past first base with several projects that are lovely in themselves. Seeing the endpoint in my mind doesn’t seem to have the push-power it should. Somehow, my unfathomable feeling that things are not “right” gets in the way. Please contribute some ideas if you have tried successfully to fix your own stuck-ness or ruminations.

Here is the woman who is down on herself in her grief:

REALITY: WHY IT IS LIKELY THAT A LIFETIME OF LONELINESS AWAITS ME.

 

My daily hill-climb through the Pyrenees

This blog post from Tiny Buddha says it all. It immediately brought to mind my own struggles. Not ONLY climbing the steepest hills in the Pyrenees on foot starting from 2 000m (which I have done, gasping and hyperventilating) but totally on the flat getting from our back door to the front door! If you can’t quite identify with clawing at the earth yourself, recall those images you see annually of those sweating cyclists in the Tour de France who pedal their way up to the highest passes in those gorgeous mountains while you slouch on the couch.

Ain’t easy on foot either…*

I reached the deepest gulch last week; the darkest howling hole. Now I am shredding my nails to scrabble up the first crumbling slope towards the sun without knowing how long the journey will last. I hope it’s short and hope that a few kind souls will venture out to hold my hand while I keep climbing.

I really DO think this is The Key to Helping a Person who is Depressed.

Mt Gambier SA sinkhole

View from inside the Mt Gambier SA sinkhole gardens

If you’re struggling with physical illness and can’t quite identify with the above blog post, try this amazingly open and often humorous blog from a guy who has just had his fourth brain surgery for cancer.

The Brain Chancery.

*Link to a table of inclines if you would like to know about struggling up the Pyrenees!

When will things be RIGHT?

Over-wintering ducks

Over-wintering ducks

Hello Kind Readers (if any of you check back here),

I am in the grip of a two-year plague of procrastination and holding back from whatever I am holding back from. Somehow I am writing this, so I have now conquered a tiny section of it, inspired by commenting on Lori Stone’s piece, The hard work of fun. This was my comment on her struggles with perfectionism in everyday life:

 

  • I DO have trouble letting go and having fun! However the big block in my chakra is procrastination while in the grip of the Black Dog. Somehow the conditions for having fun – having anything at all – must be “right” before I can let go. My head is constantly full of ideas to create and see and do and learn but I can’t make myself DO anything because the conditions have not become “right”. Unlike you and your perfectionism, I don’t mind if things are out-of-line, messy, incomplete or whatever unless it’s something like driving the car or taking the correct dose of pills. But, yep, I’m having a lot of trouble having fun. When will things be “right”? 

The depression around the shortest day of Winter has been worse this year than for several years but I have been coping marginally by trying to practise some useful habits like mindfulness meditation, regular exercise, taking my pills and almost cutting out alcohol (normally I only have a few glasses of wine per week, but now I’m down to zero for a while). However I cry easily, quickly become irritated by certain people and things and spend a lot of time huddled under the quilt mindlessly playing word games on the device. I have managed to keep up with the washing, aquarobics (mostly), looking after my painful wrists, cat maintenance, preparing 50% of meals, going to Wednesday night dinners and keeping the bathroom mould at bay.

I won’t mention things I HAVEN’T managed as that would be allowing negative stuff to intrude on my achievements! I do confess to having missed one or two showers in the past three months but that’s it.

Purple haze

Purple haze

Getting down to the nitty-gritty: What is stopping me from having fun? What conditions must be met before I can let go and enjoy my time? Should I go back and have some more counseling? But I know what the psychologist would suggest and I’m obviously not getting on with the job, so – duh.

Admittedly I have had some setbacks in my life the past few years but most of them have been worked through although some could use still more effort. Lack of cash stopped being an issue a few months ago which is the best and biggest boost to life I’ve had in decades! However Spotrick says my generosity has brought more troubles upon me and that is true to a certain extent, but why are people so demanding and judgmental? Disappointment in human nature is definitely part of my current low mood although that hasn’t been the problem for long. Before that I had some big hiccups around money, with the tax department chasing me over imaginary debts and then trying to fine me thousands of dollars for not reporting my non-existent income. I also have continuing problems with my bank where they keep cutting off online access because I am too slow (apparently) inputting my security numbers (my hands are not wonderful any more). It is so frustrating and I feel so helpless because I am being “punished” for a disability. After I get cut off things snowball as creditors start contacting me for automatic debits that have ceased etc etc I just want to relax and have a life. With no job, alone all day and no family I COULD be quite OK except for these money hassles I don’t need at ANY time.

We have green winters

We have green winters

When I Tweeted about not being able to start anything,

  • I’m definitely in the wilderness again. Empty horizons in all directions. How to escape?

    @LaLegale replied:
    Rather than “escape”, create. Imagine your life as a blank tapestry, which you embroider with the things that you do every day.

But that’s exactly what I CAN’T do – my life IS a blank tapestry and I can’t make myself start the bloody embroidery. Who would want to embroider on the topic of the washing or cleaning the floor beneath the cats’ bowls?

So, sweet readers, how can I start or get some enthusiasm for the various projects I would LOVE to do including photographing stuff, getting back into film (rather than digital), sewing, knitting, and yes, tapestry; also I almost wrote the first draft of a novel during NaNoWriMo last year, so when will I resume writing, blogging regularly here and on my Health for Humans blog; there are some songs to work on, bits of the garden to rejuvenate, yummy things to cook, places to visit, people I’d love to see more of, and holidays to plan?? Ideas, quick, please!

Finding richness in the shade

Finding richness in the shade

A painful topic: what doctors need to know (according to patients)

You could easily substitute “depression” for “ichthyosis” in this piece. Plus, I had no idea that ichthyosis sufferers were so misunderstood by medicos as their disorder is so visible!

Doctor's bag

What doctors need to know (according to patients)

Ok, so I was wrong. I really liked the RACGP good GP television commercial. It had some flaws but I thought they were small in the grand scheme of things (see my last post). But many patient advocates did not agree and were unhappy about the lack of communication portrayed in the video.

Blogger Michelle Roger commented: “My current GP asks me what I want to do, what I think is most important and together we sort through the problem at hand and potential solutions. I feel valued and heard and trust her more knowing that she listens and knows me and my family.”

“That for me was missing in the video. It was one-sided and the patients appeared little more than props to be talked at. In fact the patients had no voice at all. A problem that still permeates a lot of medicine.”

Crockey health blog posted an article

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