Folding towels sucks

I can’t believe that folding a towel & 6 tea towels made both wrists go click & hurt enough to draw tears. Grand Theft Suckage!

That was the last straw for today. Having already delivered the recharged laptop next door (they got loaned a Macbook Air without a charger- duh…), fed the cats, put on a load of washing, Swiffed the floors of cat hair, made cups of tea and taken daily pills, I was just revving up to clearing the local pigsty, since Spotrick is ill & all.

Itsobvious

Its obvious

So the rugs will have to stay hairy, the bedroom piled with boxes exchanging summer clothes for winter, the washing stalled before Spotrick’s work clothes are washed, the dishwasher unemptied from yesterday, the fishy plastic bag stuck in the sink clogging up the drain, the dirty dishes from last night and breakfast festooned over the kitchen, the cat food strewn over the kitchen floor & the bathroom not subjected to it’s weekly super-sprucing, the snail pellets not distributed around the tree dahlia, the kangaroo paws not planted in the front garden, the pillowcases not changed for 4 weeks, the hedgetrimmer not bought from the hardware store (so the hedge is untrimmed so the clothes can’t hang on half the line), the bins not put out for 2 weeks due to WTF and…and…and.

I’m taking the rest of the day off. SOD everything & I’m having peanut M&Ms for lunch.

Careers, jobs, income…life

Whether I am seen as a seething  materialist or not doesn’t really worry me, but I have a burning desire to earn my own living once more. Thoughts along these lines assail me frequently during the day and I need to get myself well-distracted before trying to sleep at night. It bothers me far more than others realize, I think. I’ve had my GP and shrink say in a fairly offhand way, “You’ll be OK when you find a job again”, but I can’t seem to get any real help in solving the problem.

Sure, I can go down to the local grocer’s and get a part-time job on the cash register- they even said they’d teach me how to use it, as I’ve never worked one! However, I’d have to be in a very happy mood to find this sort of work worthwhile after working in knowledge-based industries all my working life. I find it hard to accept working in a very routine job like this as I haven’t “filled in” the household income in sundry jobs while bringing up a family, perhaps; or I’m an intellectual snob!

Now, if I was living alone and needed an income to stay alive, I would probably be much more willing to work at the grocer’s, but I am somewhat protected from that by having Spotrick pay my share at the moment. However, having my share of living expenses paid makes me extremely uncomfortable, due to my upbringing and lack of practice of being financially dependent since I was a child. You might think I could have adapted by now and be quite happy to accept being subsidized, as young women do when they choose to be mothers and housekeepers for their partners. But I haven’t been able to adapt and have quite a lot of anxiety about it as you can tell by my preoccupation with finding a job. From my background in psychology I can tell that my concerns are pretty pathological but my attempts to shed them have been fruitless!

I came into contact with the charitable employment agency DOME [Don't Overlook Mature Expertise] several years ago where I spoke to counselors and attended meetings and seminars. They agreed that I and several people there made redundant from senior positions were unusual in their experience and that professionals usually obtained jobs through other channels. Granted the unavailability of professional positions, they found a few that I might have been able to take on, but they weren’t really viable for me. One was to purchase a franchise in selling small machine parts, screws, nuts, bolts etc from a mobile van to various manufacturing sites that need supplies fast. However, I had no capital base with which to purchase a franchise, even if I decided the job was attractive. Another position was as a Person Friday for a someone who was a part-time inventor & evaluator [of what was never revealed!]. They wanted someone to keep their computers working, maintain the accounts, write about the inventions & evaluations, be a bit of a small-scale handyperson, fetch lunches & general roustabouting! It sounded vaguely interesting, but too unpredictable for me.

I’ve been through the normal process of applying for jobs advertised in various places, asking around my social networks and approaching possible workplaces, but haven’t had a single encouraging word. When I first started applying for suitable positions I got plenty of interviews, but obviously didn’t land a job from any of them. I got the impression from feedback [which was always vague & minimal, even in person] and discovering who was successful, that my age and history of always working in knowledge-based fields were negative factors. I found that young people between 25 and 35 always obtained the positions and that former nurses usually landed all the health-research positions (a growing trend). It was almost as though employers thought I had “had my turn” in employment, as evident from my CV, and thought I was less deserving of a current job in comparison to the younger applicants. I can’t have been mistaken about my suitability for some positions, can I, having been very successful at obtaining jobs via interviews in the past? Anyway the hackneyed phrase “the successful applicant performed better than you on the day” was starting to make me feel quite murderous!

Spotrick has probably hit the nail on the head by saying yesterday “you’re already retired- why keep looking for a job?”. This just won’t work for me as retired people have either superannuation or a pension to live on. I’d love to get stuck into my hobbies and travel somewhere twice a year, but it’s impossible. The guy who wrote this article is quite comfortably off, so finding it was not very gratifying!

Recently I’ve looked again at job advertisements in my preferred field (health research & policy) and found plenty of positions available- but all in other Australian states. At this stage of my life I really can’t move house as Spotrick has a good job and couldn’t land a similar job elsewhere at his age either. It’s very irritating that many of these jobs could be performed quite well from Adelaide as they require little interaction with real live humans! However, the centres of population and government administration are in the eastern states and I’m not.

I’ve been looking on the internet today for information on jobs for older women and found a few ideas. This site:http://www.career-tests-guide.com/careers-for-older-women.html

says “There are careers for older women where the age factor is not relevant…” and goes on to suggest:

“Writers. Writing novels, plays or children’s books are one of those professions whose only requirement is good writing skills. Also, you can do the job at the comfort of your own home, a plus factor if you’re in your advanced years.

Lectures or speaking engagements. Speakers that are invited to discuss certain topics do not really have an age requirement. Qualification focuses more on firsthand knowledge and experience of a specific field.

Specialized professional work. For applicants in the medical field, for example, experience is the basic determinant of being hired.

As we can see from the examples, it’s clear that knowledge-based careers are the natural careers for older women.”

Therefore, having been a knowledge-based worker, I should find some of these easy. I can certainly write, but haven’t found a way to make it pay, although I have earned some good pocket-money doing editing [thanks to connections I have discovered via Social Media :-) ]. The medical professional jobs don’t apply to me- I’m a researcher, not a provider of medical services. I’ve tried for lecturing, tutoring and speaking engagements but had none since I was actually employed somewhere else in 2007.

Then again, Bill Bennett writes from New Zealand and seems to reinforce my perception that knowledge workers don’t have an icecube’s chance in hell of finding a new job these days!

Has anyone got any more ideas for me? I’ve been a successful university lecturer,project-managed research in various settings, led small health interventions with high school students, spoken at conferences [on 3 continents] on psychological and  mental health topics esp. eating disorders, and talked to community groups like Rotary & Arthritis Foundation about general public health topics. I’m generally perceived as a quiet person except when I’m speaking about one of my passions, I work well in a team but can also work entirely on my own without need for constant checking, I often think outside the square, have a very broad general knowledge and a huge working vocabulary [apparently]. My scientific writing has been published in international peer-reviewed journals and I can write short or lengthy technical reports or reviews without much trouble. Obviously I can also rave on successfully in blogs as I have two! [The other is “Health for Humans” at: http://healthforhumans.blogspot.com%5D

 

 

 

Day 5 NaBloPoMo: Zeitgeist! Zeitgeist?

Zeitgeist is a difficult word for me to get my head around. I’m sure it’s got that semantic trick of meaning more in its original language than in English. To me it’s the prevailing mood or background to significant events- whether they be part of one person’s life, a community’s or a nation’s shared experience.

I can’t say my whole life has been infused with one particular Zeitgeist things come and go, I change, living circumstances change. At the moment I am realising what a material person I am. Most things I want to do involve acquiring something that costs money. This must be because I am having a terrible time adjusting to not having a half-time to full-time professional job with good pay. I haven’t had full-time work since 1999 and was looking for it until 2007, when I gave up, defeated. At first, when I worked around 30% to 50% of the time, the household seemed OK, we even had some short holidays; however, when I got the boot in mid-2007, we suddenly had to tighten our belts in a way I hadn’t done since I was a student. It’s tugging at me now, this mood of not having what would satisfy me and I think it’s because Christmas is approaching.
Christmas shouldn’t really be material- at least for Christians, although it seems to be on the surface in most directions I cast my gaze! Christmas was never religious to me and has come to mean a time for relaxing, catching up with friends and exchanging presents. To me it’s a time when people give physical gifts in appreciation of a person’s contribution to their lives- not just for the custom of giving things to all and sundry. The last few years, presents in this household have been pretty sparse. My partner always gets me things and puts them under the tree and I always try to get him some things too- although last year and this one it will be pretty much using his money.
Now there is a definite zeitgeisty sort of thing I’ve discovered while writing that last sentence- since I have been conscious of what people do for each other (or NOT), I have been fiercely independent. The dependency for money and shelter on someone else is something I have avoided ever since I was a teenager, and independence of feelings and thoughts is something I have hung onto since about the age of ten- and probably unconsciously before that.
So now I see that the parts of the zeitgeist of my life are all about being an individual and always having an “opt-out” clause due to my (formerly) maintained ability to be independent when I feel I must. Now I feel trapped in my collection of habitual thoughts and I can’t adjust properly to my changed circumstances. Other people think I am OK or just smile blandly when I say I dislike being dependent, but really I’m sure they don’t appreciate the depths of my despair at not being able to break free and be me again.

Giving things up

Yep- it will sound like another whinge, but I think I’ll write it down, just to get it out… I seem to have given up all sorts of little things to try to conserve money, since I’m rarely earning any, but it doesn’t seem to have had much effect on the home finances. Should I keep depriving myself, (and Spotrick for some of them), and try to concentrate on the longer term, or maybe cheer myself up a bit with some familiar treats? The trouble is, we seem to live in a level of constant, steady debt- it doesn’t get any bigger now, but it doesn’t reduce. I can’t see any way (other than winning the lottery or a secret surprise benefactor) that we can cut any more off it. On the other hand, if I reinstate the little luxuries of life, it will only put us into a few hundred dollars more debt over the year…hmm, but a few hundred is still more than zero. I’m quite obsessed with this, eh?!
Let’s see what I/we have given up. I gave up all my magazine subscriptions (I had about half a dozen, I guess)- home and garden stuff, craft things- nothing individually expensive; I’ve given up several items in the weekly grocery shopping- tonic water (that was good for the cramps caused by my tablets), potato crisps (noms- that was a hard one!), icecream, sweet biscuits (which were only occasional anyway), any sort of nuts other than South Australian almonds (because Brazil nuts and hazelnuts that I used to have for lunch, are imported and much more expensive than almonds), regular good red meat- we just have it about once a week now, spices in glass jars (we stick to the plastic packets and bulk buys), good wine (where we didn’t mind the price of a bottle up to about $40 in the bottle shop), all spirits (we haven’t bought any for years, actually- too expensive), soft drinks like Coke, frozen prepared savoury or sweet treats.
I don’t buy myself new clothes even when I really lust after something- before I would buy the occasional thing, maybe once a month. Now I don’t even look at clothing in shops any more, as it makes me feel rather sad. Even Target seems too expensive most of the time- for what you get, anyway. I suppose I buy 2 new tops for summer and 2 for winter, occasional underwear when things start falling apart. I replaced some jeans that split down the back (they had been $8 at Target 3 years before; I replaced them with $23 ones that are too fat in the bum and legs- but that’s what I get for being small!). Spotrick lives with 2 pairs of jeans- one pair for work that are new and an old pair for weekends- no other trousers except trackpants. He has a set of 5 black T shirts and 5 white ones- bought in bulk- plain Bonds ones. That’s his viable clothing! He treated himself to an Ubuntu T-shirt and fleece jacket last year, nothing else.
We haven’t got a digital set top box, although we may get a cheap one soon- we haven’t got cable/Foxtel/satellite and don’t really miss them although they might help our conversational inclusion! We don’t buy DVDs or download movies etc and we no longer buy an occasional music CD. Neither of us have iPods or MP3 players of any sort and never download iTunes etc.
We do have nice cameras for our main hobby, photography- Steve even has an SLR with a 200mm telephoto lens that he got in 2008. I bought a new larger point and shoot camera with a pay cheque I got for some research work and I’m quite happy with it.
Spotrick’s car has been pulled over by the police for too much smoke- he has to get the engine rebored or replaced, or he’ll have to get another car. It’s about 20 plus years old- he bought it for $3000 when we moved to our current house as we’d lived right in the city before. He tried the bus, but found it too crowded and he kept catching colds and flu and missing work.
My car is more than 10 years old now- it’s a tiny little Korean thing that’s already had a cracked head (welded) and hasn’t been serviced for two years- not good. I don’t use it much- only put petrol in it once every 6 weeks, but I’d rather use it than rely on the bus as I’m no good at carrying groceries and things- I’m too short and things are either too heavy and/or drag on the ground- I find it really hard to drag a trolley up bus steps- too heavy.
I have managed to avoid buying any of the textbooks for my uni course- I just borrow similar books from the library and that seems to work fine, even when they ask us to read specific chapters- I just fake it! I haven’t photocopied anything either- can get stuff as pdfs on the laptop and read them there.
We DO socialise with friends at a restaurant every Wednesday and eat and drink quite well, but our friends subsidise the bill so we never pay too much- they are fantastic! We used to have a group of us who went to the SA Theatre Company season of plays every year, but we’ve given up, so we just have dinner with them instead.
I’ve given up my aquarobics classes once or twice a week that I had been attending for 15 months- too expensive. Most people in the class got them cheap as they had private health insurance- but I can’t afford that either! (And I don’t really believe in it.)
I try not to turn the heating on during the day during winter, nor the air conditioning during summer- electricity bills are humongous! I never thought years ago that I would have to do this, but it’s necessary now- I just lie down in the summer and wait for it to cool down, or for Spotrick to come home; in winter I hop into bed with a book or the laptop and stay warm that way- a few mogs on the legs works a treat!
I don’t go for regular coffees or lunches with friends- just once a week for a quick lunch with a uni friend so I get a little social contact.
We don’t buy regular new seedlings and bulbs for the garden- I have grown the occasional batch of things from seed, but I’m too distracted/depressed to look after them mostly- we’ve got a good batch of chives and rocket currently but no spring flower seedlings. We got rid of most of the roses as they were spindly and hardly ever produced a good crop of flowers- but the yard is rather sad without colour and I’m not sure what we’ll do there. My garden used to be my pride and joy- photographs of other people’s gardens suffice now.
Anyway, it’s hard living a much more restricted life than I was used to for about 25 years. I know I have a pretty good life compared to alot of other people, but change is difficult for anyone. I feel under the thumb, I feel as though I have lost much of my independence by not having a regular income; I even feel a bit “imprisoned” and sometimes want to scream-”let me out, let me out”- but I guess it’s a psychological restriction and I can’t escape that without help …which I can’t get and can’t afford. So here I am.

A Frank Hurley Photo of Antarctica 1915


Glacier, New Fortuna Bay, 1915 / photographed by Frank Hurley by State Library of New South Wales collection.

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I was so amazed by the set of Frank Hurley’s photographs on Flickr via the State Library of NSW that I had to blog one! Most are free of copyright and shown in the Creative Commons group on Flickr.
It has been my ambition for a long while to go to Antarctica via the Falklands and South Georgia, so this photograph may spur me on. I don’t know that it will have much to do with getting me a job so I can earn the money for the fare, though!
I still can’t adapt to not having at least a part time job with some sort of continuity. I miss the intellectual challenge of work, working with other people, having people to talk to at mealtimes, producing something which might be useful to others- contributing to the world in general (well, maybe the illusion of it…). I just don’t seem to adapt- sure I’m never llonely, but I do feel under stimulated and under utilised. I’m sure I have qualities to offer which would be an asset in some workplace, but the right sort of advertisement doesn’t seem to come up. I have no more real networks in the job world as it’s ten years since I worked fulltime for one boss. I know a few people who have given me small bits of work but have no connection with anyone who might keep me in mind, as no one knows what I can do any more.
When I’ve gone for interviews, people seem surprised and then rejecting..”You wouldn’t be able to do this sort of thing these days” etc- it’s either a reference to my age or there’s something wrong with my CV or my referees are talking me down. What is it? I’ll never know.
So all I can do is dream of that Antarctic trip and try to stay on the upside of the gulch that’s opening in front of me. I think I’ll probably have no job or income to speak of for another 8 years when I reach the official pension age in Australia- and by then they’ll probably shift it on another 5 years! I don’t like this life.

Got it- my life needs STRUCTURE!

That’s it- I’ve finally nailed it- my life without a full time job has lacked the basic structure for a normal day and I’ve been floundering for 10 years! I knew I always hated getting up at Spotrick’s late hour instead of my natural early time, but it’s dawned on me that it’s more than that- I need to start the day when I AM comfortable and get on with things in my own time even though I have no 8.30 deadline for getting to work. I’m SRSLY gonna try to do what I used to do: get up early, go straight out in the garden, potter about in the cooler air, get the cups of tea at 7.45, wake up Spotrick, eat brekky and start some work by 9am. I’ll add some more to this, but since it dawned on me, I thought I’d better blog it or I’d forget or leave it forever…

RIP Second Valley sheds... all torn down

RIP Second Valley sheds... all torn down

Now to add a bit (it’s the 26th Feb now).
I’ve decided that my life particularly lacks structure as there has never been anything like a marriage and kids to keep me focused even when I might have felt like neglecting myself. Most women I know centre their lives primarily around their kids, even if they have high-powered jobs- they’ll usually be the ones in the household to get up in the night if a kid starts throwing up, or to organise a taxi to get them picked up from violin lessons after school. These women have the “pull” of the kids plus the obligations to fulfill their job roles to allow them to go with the flow each day, even if they don’t feel like getting up and facing the world. I used to have my job (when I was fulltime for many years), and I was able to keep getting up and going even when I felt horribly depressed. I also achieved a good deal at work, even in an international context.
When I left this work and tried to retrain in the computer industry there was a period of time when each day was so frantic that I could hardly remember what day of the week it was. Gradually the stresses of being alone in a role in a strange organisation got to me and I gave up working in that industry. That’s when the lack of structure probably hit me, but I didn’t notice at the time.
I started to get contract work which meant working part time, irregular days and hours. It became harder to get up in the morning, harder to have my clothes ironed and the cats all fed and cleaned up before I headed out for appointments. My old routine of getting up early and doing 30- 60mins pottering in the garden before breakfast gradually ran down and I started to neglect to yard and the cats’ health. Unconsciously I probably expected that Spotrick would pick up the slack, but of course he didn’t because it had never been his “thing”.
Other friends drifted away as I wasn’t at the same work place and new friends didn’t visit because we lived a long way from the city. I tried to stay in touch by ringing people and going to visit them, but the effort became too much. I started to get less work and when contracts finished it was hard to summon up courage to seek more.
I knew other friends were also depressed, but they seemed to stick to the routine of work and carting kids to school through thick and thin. Sometimes I noticed they were very ineffective at work, spending large amounts of time “mucking about”, gossiping and going for coffee. But they kept up their responsibilities to their families- I don’t know how well, of course!
I sank really when I started getting rejected at job interviews, being told I was not “intelligent enough” or “not suitable for our team” etc., all of which I felt was unfounded and unfair- why tell me such derogatory things? I was especially discouraged (and furious) when I was asked to apply for a number of good positions and always came “second” to a youngster with virtually no experience, but either a previous career in nursing or a PhD (in anything at all). My self esteem fell and fell and I started to spend a lot of time alone at home not doing much. The house and garden were neglected (and still are), the cats became neglected (not having their vaccinations and dental work) and the ones with chronic health conditions (two of them) just deteriorated to the extent they made me cry daily. Having a completely inadequate income didn’t help either- Mr Visacard is making a mint out of me!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, since I’ve realised this structure business is probably the key to fixing up my life, I have started to get into more of a routine each day, although I’m not good at it yet. However, having a little work to do, I am distributing it across the days and committing to doing some regularly, structuring other activities around it. When daylight saving ends, there might be a bit more sunshine in the mornings for me to get up earlier and do some gardening, but at the moment I don’t naturally wake until about 7.15 to 7.30.
However, I’ve made a start, I feel a little better and I’m ready to attack the rest of the year. Here’s to a bit of structure!

Nooooo...body!

Nooooo...body!