I’m writing a post. Duh!

I haven’t posted much in either blog for a while- just the occasional outburst. However, my head has been FULL of ideas on what I want to say to the world. My drafts are also getting a bit overwhelming.

So- here I am. The first thing is about my disappearance from Facebook. I was quite happy on Facebook and made lots of online and real life friends there. It also allowed communication with various groups I belong to in photography, wine and dining. The problem happened over the last four weeks, with Facebook twice banning me from “Adding new friends” for 7 days. I hadn’t been aware of trying to friend anyone unusual or completely unknown to me and I hadn’t said anything offensive to anyone there. Maybe the new relatives I had been given the names of in New Zealand and Queensland complained about me, believing me to be a stranger, despite sharing my surname. Or, they suddenly got worked up about some feud my father is supposed to have had before I was born- who knows?

Most likely it was a series of totally false “complaints” by people connected with our mutual friend’s suicide last year as the first Facebook ban came around the anniversary of his death. If people want to blame me for a suicide, I don’t want to argue with them- but they needn’t interfere with my interactions with other people I know as friends. Further hints that these people might be behind the Facebook bans was at a dinner I attended, about which I previously blogged (above)- a woman came up to me and said something like “Oh you’re that Kay Walker from Facebook- humph!”. I didn’t know her, but vaguely recognised her face from some social events years ago. I guess she wasn’t pleased to find me at the dinner with a Facebook Group so made further complaints. It’s a mystery to me.

Maybe I am paranoid, but I’ve also discovered that some people on Twitter and Google Plus have recently banned me as well- or “blocked” etc. I have commented on one person’s blog a few times as I share similar experiences with depression and drugs with her, but the comments never appear. What have I done to her? Maybe I should learn to use more lists on Twitter so friends from one sphere don’t suffer the Tweets of my other spheres. Irrelevant Tweets don’t bother me- I know people lead multi-facted lives- but if they bother others, perhaps I could change my ways.

You see, the Internet is one of the few ways I get to interact with other people these days. I’ve been completely unemployed for 5 years now and was only employed sporadically for 7 years before that. I’ve been up and down with my depression [like the Assyrian Empire], but managed to maintain a small group of real life friends over all that time. The rest of my socialising has been via the Internet. With my exit from Facebook (I feel I have been hounded off there) and the way others are blocking or dropping me elsewhere, I’m starting to get a bit worried. I’ve made a few moves to join some other sites to make up for my losses, but they are not so much with people who could ever be friends IRL- eg. on Pinterest or Tumblr. They’re more to share interests.

Speaking of interests- Spotrick & I attended a pleasant (if freezing cold), sunset photography meetup yesterday at Gillman, near the industrial Port Adelaide, north of the City Centre. There we met some previous acquaintances and a bunch of new people who all seemed very pleasant. We also took a few good photos and shivered together!

Here are several pix from the trip.

My excuse

OK- I haven’t kept up with NaBloPoMo this month, in spite of my ambitions. Life threw me a bit of a curler. Two people I knew happened to die on the anniversary of my mum’s death and I got all discombobulated.

One person died peacefully in his sleep after many years of heart problems, plus having a burst blood vessel in his brain in 2009. At that time the doctors decided to let him go peacefully but his son (who is actually my good friend, not the old guy) persuaded them that he was quite functional – running his own little computer network at home, chatting on Facebook to friends all over the world and staying in touch with his former singing students. So they removed the clots over his brain surface and patched him up with metal plates. He was quite OK for an 81 year old, until he went that Friday night.

My friend of only 52 who died, had been quite close. He was the partner of my best girlfriend for about 20 years and they only split up 2 years ago. He was one of the happiest, healthiest people until he became depressed about 5 years ago. I think it was his “immovability” that broke them up as my friend was jibing at him for being “lazy”. My impression was that their business troubles (caused by old-fashioned local council regulations) were so deep that my girlfriend didn’t see the depth of her partner’s distress. Very sad all round because he then left the state and I couldn’t contact him. Apparently, shortly after he left he started having the health problems that eventually killed him. In spite of his great eating and fitness habits, he got bowel cancer which spread to his liver.

His wake (no funeral), was a tribute to his life, but was also sad for me. There were reminders of his happy life everywhere- his scuba diving gear and underwater camera, his racing bicycle, motorcycle & jet-ski. There was a continuous DVD playing of photos from all his adventures both overseas and in Australia. I thought that the most exciting thing he had done was when he was part of a BMW advertisement that was being made in the Arizona desert. He got to ride with a heap of others in a mile-wide line across the desert, with the ad being shown all over the world. It was great to visit, as he cooked wonderful food, always using the best ingredients and generally spiced up with a mixture containing chilis. Some people at the wake speculated that all the chilis might have produced his cancer, but my money is on his extensive exposure to high-octane fuels during his motorcycle racing & playing with other toys. We’ll never know- that’s cancer for you. Too sad.

Let’s start domestic

Over the last 6 months I’ve been trying to concentrate on finishing that Masters dissertation that keeps getting mentioned. I figured that if I didn’t write much in my blogs, I would be more focused on the Masters. It was OK up to a point, but when I hit a low patch mid-April, I wasn’t producing much anywhere in my life, let alone “on paper”. Now I’ve decided to stop pressuring myself to finish the dissertation and just let my efforts at writing come as they will, although there have been so many possible topics, choosing just one for the plunge has been hard enough.

So here’s a short dream; quite mundane; probably no meaning – but it’s a start.

Last night I had a number of dreams, including an unfortunate one involving someone donging me lightly on the head with a heavy saucepan! The dream forced me into wakefulness because I lunged out with a left jab and punched poor Spotrick in the head!! I awoke as my knuckles met their unintended target! Thank goodness he was a reasonable distance away and I have short arms! [Sorry Spotrick xx]

Apparent house interior

That wasn’t the dream with the most detail- here’s that one:

I was at a friend’s place helping her with a big casual lunch for a group of about 15. She is a real friend, involved in a social media job, but she’s never had me help her IRL [in real life]. We put piles of crockery and cutlery on an outside table, then brought large platters of food out for everyone to share. Everyone chatted on cheerfully until all the food had been consumed and most people had drifted off home. A few people stayed to clear up and we loaded the dishwasher.

So many dishes

Then disaster struck. The dishwasher filled with water, started to wash, then made some alarming pop-clunk sounds and stopped, dead. Nothing we tried worked, so we had to take everything out and make piles of dishes all over the kitchen table and benches. It looked ominously like about 3 or 4 sink-loads of manual washing up. Blerrgghh

Anyway, we sorted ourselves out to work in pairs, doing a wash and rinse for each pair. I was sitting on the sofa doing some red knitting when the sounds of breaking dishes came from the kitchen- uh-oh, more trouble. I ditched the knitting and went out to help. What a mess! One person started crying and another one hugged her and decided to take her home, leaving S, C and I with the debris. Yuck!

Meanwhile, “back at the ranch”, there was a knock at the door and who should appear but my friend J, wondering if he could help! Goodness knows why he was there as we were in a suburb miles away from ours [and the house more resembled an old maisonette I used to rent than the actual house owned by S!; but it's a dream...].

Maisonette

Apparently he had been walking past and heard our dish-clunking noises, deciding to investigate, as knights in shining armour tend to do.

In came J and attacked the dishwasher. He thought he could fix it. However, when he took a closer look, it seemed to have turned into something like an old-fashioned wash-copper! It appeared as a cylindrical appliance on short metal legs, with a round lid!

Old wash copper

Definitely NOT a conventional dishwasher. J quickly admitted defeat and shooed us out of the kitchen. He proceeded to wash, dry and put away every single load of dishes, and what’s more, he apparently vacuumed the whole house as well!

Goodness knows where I was (or the others), as I seemed to have fallen asleep with my knitting on the sofa, completely oblivious to the washing up and vacuum-cleaner racket! I was awoken by sounds of two loud female voices coming into the house (god knows who they were – probably 2 characters out of “The Bottle Factory Outing” which I had been skimming IRL before I fell asleep on the sofa!) Anyway, the chief complaint of these two (who claimed to be the owners – poor S had suddenly been evicted and dispossessed, LOL!) was that J had put all their shoes on the beds when he was vacuuming! They thought this was dreadful and wanted to give J a good talking to! Meanwhile, he had vanished without being thanked or scolded by these crazy women.

Red knitting

PS. J had trodden on my knitting in the dream and made it all brown and yucky looking and I was NOT pleased! Where did this stuff come from??

Day 8 NaBloPoMo: Memories, pets and ashes

Several things crossed my path today which seemed to be vaguely connected- although some people may object to me thinking this.

A Facebook friend living in the Northern Hemisphere had just built a terrific indoor enclosure for her small pets to be sheltered from the cold in winter. The first night she had all the pets inside (cats, guinea pigs and rabbits), was the first snow storm of the year. during the night the house’s back door blew open in the wind and one pet went wandering out, exploring, as he might have done in the daytime. This young rabbit was very unlucky because as he went out at dead of night, in the countryside, quite remote from anywhere on a farm road, what should happen but a truck races by, squashing him in the middle of the lightly snow-covered roadway. Poor little guy- apparently he would have died happy. His owner put a little memorial poem/song on Facebook for him- she was quite attached.

However, I couldn’t go more than halfway through the little video: Thought of You.

The lyrics:

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on…

I got halfway and I started thinking of my beautiful cat Marmy, who was the twin of one of our cats who are with us now (Mogadon). He died on his third birthday, venturing over our back fence, through adjoining properties and was skittled on the main road leading to the local waterbird sanctuary- he knew where he was going I guess. We found his perfectly preserved, curled -up body in the gutter- hardly a mark on him, but stiff and cold.

I miss him so much- I have only just managed to stop myself from crying evey time I thought about him and now my friend’s rabbit dies in similar circumstances.

Although this may be a tasteless connection to some people (leave now)- I was also reminded of the shortness of life tonight, and how some people cope with their loss in ways that seem strange to others. A friend at our restaurant table told me about the suicide death of one of her sons’ one time school companions- a young woman lawyer who worked for an international charity. She had returned home from the unpromising Copenhagen Convention on Climate Change and had committed suicide.

While the suicide death of a twenty-something year-old is not so uncommon, unfortunately, the way her mum is dealing with the loss is definitely not very adaptive. She carries her daughter’s ashes everywhere with her in a little urn in her handbag. My friend met her out bush-walking- and there were the ashes- brought out for showing as they spoke.

It is very difficult to predict how the self or others will react to death of someone or something to which they are very emotionally attached.

I daresay I will continue to grieve a little for Marmy (and several of his predecessors) for some time yet, but the pain is fading and I know it will all fade into the background one day. However, I don’t carry a little collection of his fur or anything around with me- I know it wouldn’t help and would probably REMIND me all the time of the loss. What is going to happen to that poor mother with the ashes?

R.I.P. Marmy

New Year’s Day 12 noon

Last night no alcohol- this morning, no hangover- yayy!! However, we had to get up early as Bridie and AJ were off to drive to Melbourne and subsequently Zeehan, Tasmania. Bridie has gone for a short but indefinite stay, summoned by her old friend Alan who needs company as he goes through the last stages of bone cancer- very sad. AJ has gone to drive the Jeep with caravan and dog in tow so Bridie has some accommodation at various times. AJ will fly back to the mainland in a few days to resume her uranium-mining job at Roxby Downs.
It has been a busy time having them stay 3 months, with one on the family room sofa and the other on a new chair sofa in the front room! We all thought they would only stay a few weeks originally but the job market was not very bright for either of them for a while. Now AJ has the mining job (after training to be both a heavy-rigid vehicle driver and a security guard) and Bridie has as much part-time work as she can handle with a “helping hand” agency looking after the disabled.
During this time I managed to complete a semester of my Masters in Public Health, although I had nowhere to study quietly and do my assignments- didn’t do quite as well as expected, but ended up with a Credit anyway.
My mood is a lot better than it was 3 months ago, although it took a few dives under the stress of coping with extra people in the house 24 hours a day! I know it was a big ask of myself to cope with house guests when I’m not wildly OK myself- but I could hardly leave them homeless- I would expect other people to look after me in a similar situation!
I think the cats will be relieved to have their humans back unaccompanied! Poor Moggsy has been extra shy about coming into the house for food- if she hears Bridie’s voice approaching while she’s feeding she runs and won’t return to finish her meal. Consequently she’s lost some weight- which isn’t all bad! Bendix adapted reasonably quickly but has been a little ratty at times- he was disappointed that Kevin was a dog and not a cat as he wanted to play with him on an equal basis! Moustiers thought Bridie and AJ ALWAYS lived here, and only haunted us in bed at night as she always did- why she couldn’t haunt AJ more often I don’t know!
Our back garden is somehow surviving the 40degC days, although the magnolia tree is burnt again and another cypress pine lost its top in a whippy breeze. The petunias are mostly OK in their pots and starting to flower, we have a pot tomato thriving, some chives and a few pigface ground covers. The cumquats are greener than last year, but not very healthy yet. I wish they’d come good- perhaps they need root pruning and larger pots?
The atrium plants are OK- tuberous begonias are starting to flower and the liliums have finished. the camellias seem to be withstanding the heat as long as we put the sprayers on often to keep the air moist. I bought some colourful resin pots from Ikea but haven’t managed to plant anything in them. They are supposed to be standing in 2 neat rows on the plant stand in the atrium so we have something colourful at eye level! Fingers crossed- I still have to drill holes in the bases for drainage.
So life goes on at Number 13 and we hope 2010 will be happier and healthier. I’ll put in a big wish for WEALTHIER! Greedy me- but I would like to go back to my old way of living with a minimum of money worry! I don’t want to live in luxury- especially the sort of thing that is publicised as “luxurious celebrity-style”- no gold taps for me- just let me pay the bills on time and go to the movies occasionally!

Giving things up

Yep- it will sound like another whinge, but I think I’ll write it down, just to get it out… I seem to have given up all sorts of little things to try to conserve money, since I’m rarely earning any, but it doesn’t seem to have had much effect on the home finances. Should I keep depriving myself, (and Spotrick for some of them), and try to concentrate on the longer term, or maybe cheer myself up a bit with some familiar treats? The trouble is, we seem to live in a level of constant, steady debt- it doesn’t get any bigger now, but it doesn’t reduce. I can’t see any way (other than winning the lottery or a secret surprise benefactor) that we can cut any more off it. On the other hand, if I reinstate the little luxuries of life, it will only put us into a few hundred dollars more debt over the year…hmm, but a few hundred is still more than zero. I’m quite obsessed with this, eh?!
Let’s see what I/we have given up. I gave up all my magazine subscriptions (I had about half a dozen, I guess)- home and garden stuff, craft things- nothing individually expensive; I’ve given up several items in the weekly grocery shopping- tonic water (that was good for the cramps caused by my tablets), potato crisps (noms- that was a hard one!), icecream, sweet biscuits (which were only occasional anyway), any sort of nuts other than South Australian almonds (because Brazil nuts and hazelnuts that I used to have for lunch, are imported and much more expensive than almonds), regular good red meat- we just have it about once a week now, spices in glass jars (we stick to the plastic packets and bulk buys), good wine (where we didn’t mind the price of a bottle up to about $40 in the bottle shop), all spirits (we haven’t bought any for years, actually- too expensive), soft drinks like Coke, frozen prepared savoury or sweet treats.
I don’t buy myself new clothes even when I really lust after something- before I would buy the occasional thing, maybe once a month. Now I don’t even look at clothing in shops any more, as it makes me feel rather sad. Even Target seems too expensive most of the time- for what you get, anyway. I suppose I buy 2 new tops for summer and 2 for winter, occasional underwear when things start falling apart. I replaced some jeans that split down the back (they had been $8 at Target 3 years before; I replaced them with $23 ones that are too fat in the bum and legs- but that’s what I get for being small!). Spotrick lives with 2 pairs of jeans- one pair for work that are new and an old pair for weekends- no other trousers except trackpants. He has a set of 5 black T shirts and 5 white ones- bought in bulk- plain Bonds ones. That’s his viable clothing! He treated himself to an Ubuntu T-shirt and fleece jacket last year, nothing else.
We haven’t got a digital set top box, although we may get a cheap one soon- we haven’t got cable/Foxtel/satellite and don’t really miss them although they might help our conversational inclusion! We don’t buy DVDs or download movies etc and we no longer buy an occasional music CD. Neither of us have iPods or MP3 players of any sort and never download iTunes etc.
We do have nice cameras for our main hobby, photography- Steve even has an SLR with a 200mm telephoto lens that he got in 2008. I bought a new larger point and shoot camera with a pay cheque I got for some research work and I’m quite happy with it.
Spotrick’s car has been pulled over by the police for too much smoke- he has to get the engine rebored or replaced, or he’ll have to get another car. It’s about 20 plus years old- he bought it for $3000 when we moved to our current house as we’d lived right in the city before. He tried the bus, but found it too crowded and he kept catching colds and flu and missing work.
My car is more than 10 years old now- it’s a tiny little Korean thing that’s already had a cracked head (welded) and hasn’t been serviced for two years- not good. I don’t use it much- only put petrol in it once every 6 weeks, but I’d rather use it than rely on the bus as I’m no good at carrying groceries and things- I’m too short and things are either too heavy and/or drag on the ground- I find it really hard to drag a trolley up bus steps- too heavy.
I have managed to avoid buying any of the textbooks for my uni course- I just borrow similar books from the library and that seems to work fine, even when they ask us to read specific chapters- I just fake it! I haven’t photocopied anything either- can get stuff as pdfs on the laptop and read them there.
We DO socialise with friends at a restaurant every Wednesday and eat and drink quite well, but our friends subsidise the bill so we never pay too much- they are fantastic! We used to have a group of us who went to the SA Theatre Company season of plays every year, but we’ve given up, so we just have dinner with them instead.
I’ve given up my aquarobics classes once or twice a week that I had been attending for 15 months- too expensive. Most people in the class got them cheap as they had private health insurance- but I can’t afford that either! (And I don’t really believe in it.)
I try not to turn the heating on during the day during winter, nor the air conditioning during summer- electricity bills are humongous! I never thought years ago that I would have to do this, but it’s necessary now- I just lie down in the summer and wait for it to cool down, or for Spotrick to come home; in winter I hop into bed with a book or the laptop and stay warm that way- a few mogs on the legs works a treat!
I don’t go for regular coffees or lunches with friends- just once a week for a quick lunch with a uni friend so I get a little social contact.
We don’t buy regular new seedlings and bulbs for the garden- I have grown the occasional batch of things from seed, but I’m too distracted/depressed to look after them mostly- we’ve got a good batch of chives and rocket currently but no spring flower seedlings. We got rid of most of the roses as they were spindly and hardly ever produced a good crop of flowers- but the yard is rather sad without colour and I’m not sure what we’ll do there. My garden used to be my pride and joy- photographs of other people’s gardens suffice now.
Anyway, it’s hard living a much more restricted life than I was used to for about 25 years. I know I have a pretty good life compared to alot of other people, but change is difficult for anyone. I feel under the thumb, I feel as though I have lost much of my independence by not having a regular income; I even feel a bit “imprisoned” and sometimes want to scream-”let me out, let me out”- but I guess it’s a psychological restriction and I can’t escape that without help …which I can’t get and can’t afford. So here I am.