I’m writing a post. Duh!

I haven’t posted much in either blog for a while- just the occasional outburst. However, my head has been FULL of ideas on what I want to say to the world. My drafts are also getting a bit overwhelming.

So- here I am. The first thing is about my disappearance from Facebook. I was quite happy on Facebook and made lots of online and real life friends there. It also allowed communication with various groups I belong to in photography, wine and dining. The problem happened over the last four weeks, with Facebook twice banning me from “Adding new friends” for 7 days. I hadn’t been aware of trying to friend anyone unusual or completely unknown to me and I hadn’t said anything offensive to anyone there. Maybe the new relatives I had been given the names of in New Zealand and Queensland complained about me, believing me to be a stranger, despite sharing my surname. Or, they suddenly got worked up about some feud my father is supposed to have had before I was born- who knows?

Most likely it was a series of totally false “complaints” by people connected with our mutual friend’s suicide last year as the first Facebook ban came around the anniversary of his death. If people want to blame me for a suicide, I don’t want to argue with them- but they needn’t interfere with my interactions with other people I know as friends. Further hints that these people might be behind the Facebook bans was at a dinner I attended, about which I previously blogged (above)- a woman came up to me and said something like “Oh you’re that Kay Walker from Facebook- humph!”. I didn’t know her, but vaguely recognised her face from some social events years ago. I guess she wasn’t pleased to find me at the dinner with a Facebook Group so made further complaints. It’s a mystery to me.

Maybe I am paranoid, but I’ve also discovered that some people on Twitter and Google Plus have recently banned me as well- or “blocked” etc. I have commented on one person’s blog a few times as I share similar experiences with depression and drugs with her, but the comments never appear. What have I done to her? Maybe I should learn to use more lists on Twitter so friends from one sphere don’t suffer the Tweets of my other spheres. Irrelevant Tweets don’t bother me- I know people lead multi-facted lives- but if they bother others, perhaps I could change my ways.

You see, the Internet is one of the few ways I get to interact with other people these days. I’ve been completely unemployed for 5 years now and was only employed sporadically for 7 years before that. I’ve been up and down with my depression [like the Assyrian Empire], but managed to maintain a small group of real life friends over all that time. The rest of my socialising has been via the Internet. With my exit from Facebook (I feel I have been hounded off there) and the way others are blocking or dropping me elsewhere, I’m starting to get a bit worried. I’ve made a few moves to join some other sites to make up for my losses, but they are not so much with people who could ever be friends IRL- eg. on Pinterest or Tumblr. They’re more to share interests.

Speaking of interests- Spotrick & I attended a pleasant (if freezing cold), sunset photography meetup yesterday at Gillman, near the industrial Port Adelaide, north of the City Centre. There we met some previous acquaintances and a bunch of new people who all seemed very pleasant. We also took a few good photos and shivered together!

Here are several pix from the trip.

Day 31 NaBloPoMo: Last I’ll ever see of 2010- gotta let go!

There’s one habit that’s easy to give up- the previous year, meaning it’s written date. You just get used to writing it after dickering about for 3 months with 2009, relax for 9 months and then it’s time to change again! Why aren’t other habits so easy to break?

Scratching!

I think I’m well on my way to trichotillomania right now as I can’t seem to stop scratching my head! I got sunburnt about 6 weeks ago on the top of my head, making it itch and peel in tiny dandruffy flakes. Then it got burned again about 2 weeks later- and now I keep lightly scratching it. Lots of people have the “head-scratch” habit and I know mine isn’t too bad, because I scratch or rub so lightly it is a pleasant sort of tickle. Others scratch until scabs form and they scratch those off- ouchhh!!!

How to break habits, hmm…? [she says, scratching her head] Well, having a background in that sort of thing, I’d tell myself to first make doing the habit thing very noticeable. Now that wouldn’t be by scratching harder, because that would just make my scalp a gory mess! What I need to do is make the movement of my left hand up to do the scratching much more noticeable (so I say to my self “you daft bugga, that looks ridiculous, don’t do it!”). So maybe I will put a big awkward bangle or bunch of little jingle bells on my wrist?? Or maybe there is something else I can do to break the habit?

Perhaps I should force myself to type on the lappy with my left hand, so it’s occupied? That sounds good!

He hasn't got much to scratch!

OK- maybe I’ll get sick of that. I need some alternatives for when I’m off the laptop (that can’t be a lot of the day, can it??). If I’m reading a book, perhaps I should hold it with my left hand? Maybe that would work- I’ll trial it. What about when I’m in the car waiting at the lights? Hmm…can’t really do anything that would interfere with driving- I’m outta clues on that one- any help out there, guys? I think I could safely keep my drink in my left hand when hanging about with friends, but I should wear a bangle to remind me of that one. Would there be any other occasion when I’d be filling my attention with the scratching? I know I should have a few more alternatiives. Meanwhile I’ll get on with the stuff I’ve listed and maybe that will take away the habit in all the other settings just by generalising- but I wouldn’t rely on it.

It’s now 40 years since I applied this strategy to breaking a habit for the first time! I hadn’t even studied psychology at the time, but a psychologist showed me how to do it without the fancy language. And it worked!

I was getting panic attacks while I was waiting for my school matriculation results- I think we finished exams at the end of October and we had to wait until the first week in January to receive the results in the mail. I had such a build-up of free-floating anxiety that it started to break through in all sorts of situations, much to my great alarm! I thought I was having a heart attack, my heart beat so fast! Anyway, I must have started to associate it with being in situations where I felt I couldn’t get away without making a huge “scene” because I started to panic at crowded swimming pools and beaches, in lifts and large rooms I hadn’t been inside before. I even started to panic in stairwells when there were other people going up and down- thinking I might trip and fall! When I went to enrol at university, I started to panic if I didn’t sit on the end of a row in lecture theatres- I was getting into a terrible lather!

So I trotted off to see the university counsellor. It was sooo simple- he taught me progressive relaxation, so I knew how great it was to feel relaxed. Then he started walking around the campus with me to places where I might have panicked- stairwells, banks, cafes, lifts and empty lecture theatres. He got me to describe how I felt and what I thought I would do in these situations. Then he’d get me to recall the feeling of relaxation and concentrate on getting that. As I was like everyone else who learns to panic inappropriately, naturally I found it very difficult to relax when I wanted to just hop into the Tardis and disappear! The alternative he taught me was to just go with the panic and make myself stay instead of walking out. We agreed that the feelings of panic were just physical things happening in my body and that they weren’t signs of a terrible illness- they were just feelings. Therefore it was OK if my heart wanted to go at a million miles an hour for a while, or if I hyperventilated or I broke out in a huge sweat- it would eventually stop and I’d be back to normal again, relaxing with the learned technique.

To cut a long story short, I mainly relied on “staying with it”. After all, I wasn’t going to run out of my first lectures and miss everything! What a waste of waiting for those fantastic results I achieved, getting me into med school at the top of the list! I was on the road to my dreams! So I stayed in those lifts and stairwells and lecture theatres and I let my stupid heart race, my palms sweat and my lungs over-exert themselves. I told them to behave themselves and stop bothering me. I told them they couldn’t hurt me; I was far too tough! And it worked. In a few weeks I had pretty good control, although I still hated the racing heart effect, but after 3 months I “suddenly” found that all the panics had gone away! What a relief- plus it gave me a feeling of victory over the automatic but inconvenient  things my brain told my body to do on the basis of rumour!

Since that time I have been able to remain calm in most unexpected situations. When shit happens- eg. the photocopier catches fire or someone collapses, I just barge in and deal with it. I don’t hang about waiting to see how I feel about the situation- my feelings don’t matter to a fire or a person who has keeled over- I JUST DO IT!

So- I have to apply this knowledge to my head scratching behaviour. I may hit some obstacles when I try, but I know how to put extra strategies in place to overcome those. Right after this blog post, I will put something very noticeable on my left wrist and go for it!!

Pity I hadn’t learnt how to START a new GOOD habit all that time ago- I’m still struggling with myself about starting a regular exercise program. I’ve started and “failed” many times and I’m at a loss on what strategy to try next, except have someone else hold me accountable. But that involves a whole public health program, so it’s a little way off just yet! LOL!

NB. I am NOT a professional. There is some professional advice here.

Day 8 NaBloPoMo: Memories, pets and ashes

Several things crossed my path today which seemed to be vaguely connected- although some people may object to me thinking this.

A Facebook friend living in the Northern Hemisphere had just built a terrific indoor enclosure for her small pets to be sheltered from the cold in winter. The first night she had all the pets inside (cats, guinea pigs and rabbits), was the first snow storm of the year. during the night the house’s back door blew open in the wind and one pet went wandering out, exploring, as he might have done in the daytime. This young rabbit was very unlucky because as he went out at dead of night, in the countryside, quite remote from anywhere on a farm road, what should happen but a truck races by, squashing him in the middle of the lightly snow-covered roadway. Poor little guy- apparently he would have died happy. His owner put a little memorial poem/song on Facebook for him- she was quite attached.

However, I couldn’t go more than halfway through the little video: Thought of You.

The lyrics:

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on…

I got halfway and I started thinking of my beautiful cat Marmy, who was the twin of one of our cats who are with us now (Mogadon). He died on his third birthday, venturing over our back fence, through adjoining properties and was skittled on the main road leading to the local waterbird sanctuary- he knew where he was going I guess. We found his perfectly preserved, curled -up body in the gutter- hardly a mark on him, but stiff and cold.

I miss him so much- I have only just managed to stop myself from crying evey time I thought about him and now my friend’s rabbit dies in similar circumstances.

Although this may be a tasteless connection to some people (leave now)- I was also reminded of the shortness of life tonight, and how some people cope with their loss in ways that seem strange to others. A friend at our restaurant table told me about the suicide death of one of her sons’ one time school companions- a young woman lawyer who worked for an international charity. She had returned home from the unpromising Copenhagen Convention on Climate Change and had committed suicide.

While the suicide death of a twenty-something year-old is not so uncommon, unfortunately, the way her mum is dealing with the loss is definitely not very adaptive. She carries her daughter’s ashes everywhere with her in a little urn in her handbag. My friend met her out bush-walking- and there were the ashes- brought out for showing as they spoke.

It is very difficult to predict how the self or others will react to death of someone or something to which they are very emotionally attached.

I daresay I will continue to grieve a little for Marmy (and several of his predecessors) for some time yet, but the pain is fading and I know it will all fade into the background one day. However, I don’t carry a little collection of his fur or anything around with me- I know it wouldn’t help and would probably REMIND me all the time of the loss. What is going to happen to that poor mother with the ashes?

R.I.P. Marmy

Future blog ideas

I have a headful of possible topics I’d like to explore, but it’s not a social thing, sorry. Here’s a few that are buzzing loudly:
1. When several (possibly) autoimmune diseases happen in the same person, do they involve the same sorts of immune reaction?
2. Am I an ex-gifted child who has underachieved and ended up in the shit? What can I do about it?

3. Why was Los Angeles built the way it was? Can people seriously live on the piles of rubble with retaining walls and expect not to be affected by the weather, floods and landslides? Who pays? Why do they pay up? Google Earth is good for this one!
4. The puzzle of Iran, it’s nuclear determination, geology, views from the air, Iranians I know, what do they hope to achieve, why do so many desperately want to leave?
5. Astronomy and astrophysics- so interesting, so attractive and what’s happening these days?
6. Persuading ordinary people to live more respectful of the earth. Impossible?
7. Are universities becoming mainly vocational and ticket-providers? Who cares?

Golden hall of learning, or ticket office?

Is there anything you’d like me to get stuck into? Please comment!

Giving things up

Yep- it will sound like another whinge, but I think I’ll write it down, just to get it out… I seem to have given up all sorts of little things to try to conserve money, since I’m rarely earning any, but it doesn’t seem to have had much effect on the home finances. Should I keep depriving myself, (and Spotrick for some of them), and try to concentrate on the longer term, or maybe cheer myself up a bit with some familiar treats? The trouble is, we seem to live in a level of constant, steady debt- it doesn’t get any bigger now, but it doesn’t reduce. I can’t see any way (other than winning the lottery or a secret surprise benefactor) that we can cut any more off it. On the other hand, if I reinstate the little luxuries of life, it will only put us into a few hundred dollars more debt over the year…hmm, but a few hundred is still more than zero. I’m quite obsessed with this, eh?!
Let’s see what I/we have given up. I gave up all my magazine subscriptions (I had about half a dozen, I guess)- home and garden stuff, craft things- nothing individually expensive; I’ve given up several items in the weekly grocery shopping- tonic water (that was good for the cramps caused by my tablets), potato crisps (noms- that was a hard one!), icecream, sweet biscuits (which were only occasional anyway), any sort of nuts other than South Australian almonds (because Brazil nuts and hazelnuts that I used to have for lunch, are imported and much more expensive than almonds), regular good red meat- we just have it about once a week now, spices in glass jars (we stick to the plastic packets and bulk buys), good wine (where we didn’t mind the price of a bottle up to about $40 in the bottle shop), all spirits (we haven’t bought any for years, actually- too expensive), soft drinks like Coke, frozen prepared savoury or sweet treats.
I don’t buy myself new clothes even when I really lust after something- before I would buy the occasional thing, maybe once a month. Now I don’t even look at clothing in shops any more, as it makes me feel rather sad. Even Target seems too expensive most of the time- for what you get, anyway. I suppose I buy 2 new tops for summer and 2 for winter, occasional underwear when things start falling apart. I replaced some jeans that split down the back (they had been $8 at Target 3 years before; I replaced them with $23 ones that are too fat in the bum and legs- but that’s what I get for being small!). Spotrick lives with 2 pairs of jeans- one pair for work that are new and an old pair for weekends- no other trousers except trackpants. He has a set of 5 black T shirts and 5 white ones- bought in bulk- plain Bonds ones. That’s his viable clothing! He treated himself to an Ubuntu T-shirt and fleece jacket last year, nothing else.
We haven’t got a digital set top box, although we may get a cheap one soon- we haven’t got cable/Foxtel/satellite and don’t really miss them although they might help our conversational inclusion! We don’t buy DVDs or download movies etc and we no longer buy an occasional music CD. Neither of us have iPods or MP3 players of any sort and never download iTunes etc.
We do have nice cameras for our main hobby, photography- Steve even has an SLR with a 200mm telephoto lens that he got in 2008. I bought a new larger point and shoot camera with a pay cheque I got for some research work and I’m quite happy with it.
Spotrick’s car has been pulled over by the police for too much smoke- he has to get the engine rebored or replaced, or he’ll have to get another car. It’s about 20 plus years old- he bought it for $3000 when we moved to our current house as we’d lived right in the city before. He tried the bus, but found it too crowded and he kept catching colds and flu and missing work.
My car is more than 10 years old now- it’s a tiny little Korean thing that’s already had a cracked head (welded) and hasn’t been serviced for two years- not good. I don’t use it much- only put petrol in it once every 6 weeks, but I’d rather use it than rely on the bus as I’m no good at carrying groceries and things- I’m too short and things are either too heavy and/or drag on the ground- I find it really hard to drag a trolley up bus steps- too heavy.
I have managed to avoid buying any of the textbooks for my uni course- I just borrow similar books from the library and that seems to work fine, even when they ask us to read specific chapters- I just fake it! I haven’t photocopied anything either- can get stuff as pdfs on the laptop and read them there.
We DO socialise with friends at a restaurant every Wednesday and eat and drink quite well, but our friends subsidise the bill so we never pay too much- they are fantastic! We used to have a group of us who went to the SA Theatre Company season of plays every year, but we’ve given up, so we just have dinner with them instead.
I’ve given up my aquarobics classes once or twice a week that I had been attending for 15 months- too expensive. Most people in the class got them cheap as they had private health insurance- but I can’t afford that either! (And I don’t really believe in it.)
I try not to turn the heating on during the day during winter, nor the air conditioning during summer- electricity bills are humongous! I never thought years ago that I would have to do this, but it’s necessary now- I just lie down in the summer and wait for it to cool down, or for Spotrick to come home; in winter I hop into bed with a book or the laptop and stay warm that way- a few mogs on the legs works a treat!
I don’t go for regular coffees or lunches with friends- just once a week for a quick lunch with a uni friend so I get a little social contact.
We don’t buy regular new seedlings and bulbs for the garden- I have grown the occasional batch of things from seed, but I’m too distracted/depressed to look after them mostly- we’ve got a good batch of chives and rocket currently but no spring flower seedlings. We got rid of most of the roses as they were spindly and hardly ever produced a good crop of flowers- but the yard is rather sad without colour and I’m not sure what we’ll do there. My garden used to be my pride and joy- photographs of other people’s gardens suffice now.
Anyway, it’s hard living a much more restricted life than I was used to for about 25 years. I know I have a pretty good life compared to alot of other people, but change is difficult for anyone. I feel under the thumb, I feel as though I have lost much of my independence by not having a regular income; I even feel a bit “imprisoned” and sometimes want to scream-”let me out, let me out”- but I guess it’s a psychological restriction and I can’t escape that without help …which I can’t get and can’t afford. So here I am.

A Frank Hurley Photo of Antarctica 1915

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Tags: Frank_Hurley, 1915, Antarctica, copyright_free

I was so amazed by the set of Frank Hurley’s photographs on Flickr via the State Library of NSW that I had to blog one! Most are free of copyright and shown in the Creative Commons group on Flickr.
It has been my ambition for a long while to go to Antarctica via the Falklands and South Georgia, so this photograph may spur me on. I don’t know that it will have much to do with getting me a job so I can earn the money for the fare, though!
I still can’t adapt to not having at least a part time job with some sort of continuity. I miss the intellectual challenge of work, working with other people, having people to talk to at mealtimes, producing something which might be useful to others- contributing to the world in general (well, maybe the illusion of it…). I just don’t seem to adapt- sure I’m never llonely, but I do feel under stimulated and under utilised. I’m sure I have qualities to offer which would be an asset in some workplace, but the right sort of advertisement doesn’t seem to come up. I have no more real networks in the job world as it’s ten years since I worked fulltime for one boss. I know a few people who have given me small bits of work but have no connection with anyone who might keep me in mind, as no one knows what I can do any more.
When I’ve gone for interviews, people seem surprised and then rejecting..”You wouldn’t be able to do this sort of thing these days” etc- it’s either a reference to my age or there’s something wrong with my CV or my referees are talking me down. What is it? I’ll never know.
So all I can do is dream of that Antarctic trip and try to stay on the upside of the gulch that’s opening in front of me. I think I’ll probably have no job or income to speak of for another 8 years when I reach the official pension age in Australia- and by then they’ll probably shift it on another 5 years! I don’t like this life.

Got it- my life needs STRUCTURE!

That’s it- I’ve finally nailed it- my life without a full time job has lacked the basic structure for a normal day and I’ve been floundering for 10 years! I knew I always hated getting up at Spotrick’s late hour instead of my natural early time, but it’s dawned on me that it’s more than that- I need to start the day when I AM comfortable and get on with things in my own time even though I have no 8.30 deadline for getting to work. I’m SRSLY gonna try to do what I used to do: get up early, go straight out in the garden, potter about in the cooler air, get the cups of tea at 7.45, wake up Spotrick, eat brekky and start some work by 9am. I’ll add some more to this, but since it dawned on me, I thought I’d better blog it or I’d forget or leave it forever…

RIP Second Valley sheds... all torn down

Now to add a bit (it’s the 26th Feb now).
I’ve decided that my life particularly lacks structure as there has never been anything like a marriage and kids to keep me focused even when I might have felt like neglecting myself. Most women I know centre their lives primarily around their kids, even if they have high-powered jobs- they’ll usually be the ones in the household to get up in the night if a kid starts throwing up, or to organise a taxi to get them picked up from violin lessons after school. These women have the “pull” of the kids plus the obligations to fulfill their job roles to allow them to go with the flow each day, even if they don’t feel like getting up and facing the world. I used to have my job (when I was fulltime for many years), and I was able to keep getting up and going even when I felt horribly depressed. I also achieved a good deal at work, even in an international context.
When I left this work and tried to retrain in the computer industry there was a period of time when each day was so frantic that I could hardly remember what day of the week it was. Gradually the stresses of being alone in a role in a strange organisation got to me and I gave up working in that industry. That’s when the lack of structure probably hit me, but I didn’t notice at the time.
I started to get contract work which meant working part time, irregular days and hours. It became harder to get up in the morning, harder to have my clothes ironed and the cats all fed and cleaned up before I headed out for appointments. My old routine of getting up early and doing 30- 60mins pottering in the garden before breakfast gradually ran down and I started to neglect to yard and the cats’ health. Unconsciously I probably expected that Spotrick would pick up the slack, but of course he didn’t because it had never been his “thing”.
Other friends drifted away as I wasn’t at the same work place and new friends didn’t visit because we lived a long way from the city. I tried to stay in touch by ringing people and going to visit them, but the effort became too much. I started to get less work and when contracts finished it was hard to summon up courage to seek more.
I knew other friends were also depressed, but they seemed to stick to the routine of work and carting kids to school through thick and thin. Sometimes I noticed they were very ineffective at work, spending large amounts of time “mucking about”, gossiping and going for coffee. But they kept up their responsibilities to their families- I don’t know how well, of course!
I sank really when I started getting rejected at job interviews, being told I was not “intelligent enough” or “not suitable for our team” etc., all of which I felt was unfounded and unfair- why tell me such derogatory things? I was especially discouraged (and furious) when I was asked to apply for a number of good positions and always came “second” to a youngster with virtually no experience, but either a previous career in nursing or a PhD (in anything at all). My self esteem fell and fell and I started to spend a lot of time alone at home not doing much. The house and garden were neglected (and still are), the cats became neglected (not having their vaccinations and dental work) and the ones with chronic health conditions (two of them) just deteriorated to the extent they made me cry daily. Having a completely inadequate income didn’t help either- Mr Visacard is making a mint out of me!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, since I’ve realised this structure business is probably the key to fixing up my life, I have started to get into more of a routine each day, although I’m not good at it yet. However, having a little work to do, I am distributing it across the days and committing to doing some regularly, structuring other activities around it. When daylight saving ends, there might be a bit more sunshine in the mornings for me to get up earlier and do some gardening, but at the moment I don’t naturally wake until about 7.15 to 7.30.
However, I’ve made a start, I feel a little better and I’m ready to attack the rest of the year. Here’s to a bit of structure!

Nooooo...body!

A REAL shortie

Waiting

I am waiting to feel properly OK… I do a lot of this. Some might call it procrastinating. It’s when I have to FORCE myself to do about 75% of things, although I get through the routines of showering, dressing, loading the dishwasher, cooking, doing the washing, feeding the cats and watering the pots.

Things don’t feel “right” but I don’t seem to have any power over the feeling to get to the right degree of “rightness”. It’s different from the imagined experiences of Kel’s son, Boo, because I KNOW what the right feeling IS. I just can’t get it. No amount of positive thinking, exercise, forced activity, hugs or alcohol will induce the “right” feeling. I must just wait…
I know why some people give up waiting.